Stolen Moments
by B Cardoso
Summary: A retelling of Erin and Jay from season 3. She may not want his help but he just needs to be there for her. They only have to find a way to communicate. And then maybe they can find what they never knew they were looking for in each other. It might be M rated later on. Linstead - ABANDONED (for now)
1. S03 E01

**Author's Note:** Hey, guys! This is my first Chicago PD fic. It's a retelling of Erin and Jay that begins in the third season. Some chapters will be just missing scenes and I'll introduce them with which was the last scene aired before the chapter. But though I'll write some "missing scene" I'll also ignore some parts of the show so I can change the story a little. It might be M rated later on. Just give it a chance. And please, review!

* * *

 **Chapter 01**

* * *

 **S03 E01:**

 ** _Erin:_** _You okay?_

 ** _Jay:_** _I'm just glad it was you that they sent in._

 _(they look at each other as she tears up)_

 ** _Erin:_** _I gotta go wash this up._

* * *

If he wanted he could find numerous excuses to why he was awake staring at the news on the TV instead of resting as the doctors told him to. He could blame the sirens that he could hear a block away and were too loud to let him sleep. Or the doors opening and closing every time someone passed by them. Or the lights in the corridor that were always on and so bright they were blinding. He could say that if he was back in his apartment, quiet dark and alone, then he would be sleeping like a baby. But he knew that wasn't true.

What really kept him awake and agitated was the the fact that he didn't really know what was happening. It was wondering if maybe Erin was not back for good. The thought that she might be drinking away her problems right now while he was laying on a hospital bed. It was wondering she might be his partner again when he was cleared for duty. It was all the questions that kept him awake and restless.

He stared out of the window at the darkness until he felt his phone vibrate once on the bedside table. Needing anything to distract him he chose to check who had sent him the message; probably Antonio or Olinsky checking on him. They had been longer on the job and understood better what he was going through, Ruzek and Atwater were still too green to think about checking on him so soon.

When he unlocked his cell and saw the message was actually from Erin his heart sped up for a second. He hadn't expected to hear from her so soon, thinking she was probably going to avoid him for a while. Opening the message he read it quickly. It was short and she was obviously unsure of what to say.

 _"Hey. How are you?"_

 _"Fine. You?"_ he quickly sent back.

" _Good_."

He knew this wasn't like Erin. She was stalling. She wanted to say something but she didn't know how. If they were facing each other it would be easier but trying to convince her to open up even a little through messages would be tricky. Still, he had to try.

 _"_ _What's up? I know sth is bothering you."_

This time it took a minute for her to answer and until he saw his screen lighten up he wasn't sure if she would.

 _"Voight let me go back to Intelligence. But I need to know if it's okay with you."_

Jay had to read it twice to let it sink in. She wanted to go back and Voight had let her. To be honest he was surprised Voight had allowed her to go back so quickly but he wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. The fact that she was doubting herself and how he would welcome her let him know that she was still feeling far from 'good', but he already knew that.

 _"You're the only partner I want."_ When she didn't answer for a long time he decided to send another message, " _I'll be released tomorrow. Maybe we could grab a coffee and talk?_ "

He didn't want to push it but he thought it would be better to clear the air before they went back to work. They had to work out at least some of their shit before they were back on the streets so they could really watch each other's back.

 _"_ _I'm not in a good place yet. I'll be on medical leave this week."_

As soon as he read her message he knew she was going through withdraw. He had watched Nadia go through it and he knew it wasn't pretty. The idea of Erin in pain, shaking and sweating with chills made him angry but he knew there was no other way to go through it. It was hard to admit how scared he was that she would slip but he knew he couldn't let it show, so he decided to deflect using humor, " _Just like me._ "

" _Not quite._ "

Although he didn't want to let her know how worried he was he couldn't help but ask, " _Are you alone?_ "

" _I'm staying at Hank's. One of his rules to be allowed back into Intelligence_."

That was definitely the first of Voight's rule that he actually liked. Not that he liked the fact that she was living with Voight. He would much rather be the one taking care of her. But at the moment that just wasn't possible and he'd rather have her with Voight than alone in her apartment or worse, with Bunny. He wanted to tell her he was there for her, that she could lean on him but he knew it would probably just send her running in the opposite direction so he refrained.

Before he could answer her message she texted him again, " _I should go. TTYL_ "

He knew better than to push her so he just texted, " _Good night_."

Not surprisingly half an hour later he was sleeping deeply for the first time in almost a month.

* * *

He sat in his car watching the house in front of him. It had sounded like a good idea in his mind to show up unannounced at her door with lunch from her favorite place but now he wasn't so sure anymore. Having the door slammed on his face was a strong possibility and he had no idea what she would be like during withdraw. Yet he couldn't stay away so he got out of the car and walked the short path to Voight's door.

He knew she had made herself clear a couple of nights ago about not wanting to have visits but he couldn't help it. She was his partner. And he would be there for her for better or worse, even if she didn't want it. He had tried to keep tabs on her and reached out while she was going crazy with parties and drugs so he sure as hell would be there for her while she was recovering. He knew it would be hard for her and Voight couldn't stop working so he just needed to be there to help.

Besides, he had nothing better to do while he was recovering from his injuries; at least he hoped she would accept that excuse. Personally he thought his medical leave was unnecessary; he was bruised and had a few cuts but otherwise he was fine. The taser's effect had been short term and he had no internal damage. He could at the very least be on desk duty. But he suspected it wasn't a coincidence that Voight had chosen to give him a few days off at the same time Erin was recovering.

When he finally reached the door it took him a few seconds until he rang the doorbell, preparing himself for anything. Erin opened the door a couple of minutes later and the first thing he noticed was how tired she looked. She was wearing sweat pants, a tee and a hoodie. She wasn't wearing shoes but had colorful socks on, which he found funny but inappropriate to make a joke on at the moment. Her hair was in a messy knot and she had dark circles under her eyes.

As soon as Erin saw him she crossed her arms around her protectively and looked away, "You shouldn't have come here. I told you it wasn't a good time."

He ignored her words and smiled softly. "Before you send me away you should know I brought food," he said, showing her the bags he was carrying.

She glared at him and stood blocking his way for a couple of minutes before turning around and going back inside, leaving the door open for him. He followed her inside to the living room where she sat on the couch folding her legs under her.

"You really shouldn't have come," she said in a low voice looking at her hands. He could see that she didn't want him to see her like this but she just didn't get that he needed to make sure that she was okay.

Jay decided it would be better to ignore her again than start a fight so he changed the subject as he sat next to her on the couch and put the food on the coffee table, "I wasn't sure what you were up to so I brought a little bit of everything. I know you can't cook to save your life and Voight doesn't look like he is much better."

She took a deep breath and shrugged, "He does okay. So, what did you bring?"

He started to list the items as he took them out of the bag and set them on the coffee table, "Turkey sandwich, roast beef sandwich, croissant, muffins, soup, scones, bread, apple juice. I also went to the grocery store in case you wanted some real food. I can make some mac and cheese or mashed potatoes if you want."

She scoffed and shook her head. "You're too good for me," she told him spontaneously.

He just reached a hand to her face and combed a strand of hair behind her ear with his fingers. Saying anything would just drive her away right now. "So, what do you want?"

She shrugged, "I can't keep much down right now. I can only drink water so no juice. But soup and bread sounds good."

He nodded and took everything to the kitchen behind them putting everything away before preparing a tray for her. Soon he was back on the couch handing her the tray and she thanked him with a small smile before hesitantly trying the soup. She ate a spoonful and then started stirring it instead of eating.

"Not good?" he asked wondering if he should offer to get her something else.

She shook her head, "It's good. I'm just not handling food very well." She sighed frustrated, "I told you not to come. I might get sick after I eat."

"Eat what you can. I can heat it up later if you're not feeling up to it now. And if you want to throw up that's fine. I can hold your hair and rub your back."

"Damn it, Jay! I don't want to get sick in front of you. I don't you to see me like this," she raised her voice for the first time.

He watched her silently gathering his thoughts and trying to find a way to make her understand, "You came for me when I needed you the most. You were in a really bad place and somehow you pulled yourself out of it because I needed help and you wanted to be there for me. I have no idea how you did that and I know it must have been hard as hell but you did it. You did it for me. So tell me, how do you not understand why I need to be here?"

Her eyes filled with tears, "It's different."

"It's not. You're going through something and I need you to let me help." When she didn't say anything he insisted, "How would you feel if you were in my shoes?"

She looked at him and he could see in her eyes that he had got her then. "You should know that I'm not in the best mood most of the time. I get sick a couple of times a day and I take a short nap every few hours," she paused, "And I don't feel like eating right now."

He nodded and silently took the tray back to the kitchen putting everything away. When he walked back to the couch she looked even more exhausted if it was possible with her eyes half closed. He sat closer to her and hesitantly wrapped his arm over her shoulder. "You look tired. Want to take a nap now?"

"I guess," she said settling next to him. He was surprised but hid it well as he laid down carefully taking her with him and wrapping his arms around her.

She wanted to stop him but she was just so tired. Still, she felt like she had to protest, "Jay. This- it's not like that. We can't be like that."

He nodded to appease her even though he didn't agree, "I'm just taking care of my partner; that's all."

It wasn't satisfying at all to hear him agree with her but that's what she needed right now. She became quiet for a minute gathering the courage to share with him another piece of the puzzle. "Jay," she started slowly, "just so you know… sometimes I have nightmares. So if I start trashing just wake me up before I elbow you or something, okay? I don't want to worsen your injuries."

"I'm fine, almost all healed up; don't worry," he paused unsure. "These nightmares… you have them often?"

She shrugged, "I didn't when I was high; I just felt numb. But now that I'm clean… I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours."

"You wanna talk about it?" he offered even though he already knew the answer.

She just shook her head.

Jay looked at the broken woman in his arms and tried to remember that just having her let him take care of her was a big step and it would have to do for now. He tightened his arms around her, "Just rest. I'm here. I've got you."

And though Erin felt uncomfortable with the fact that him being there made her feel better she let it go and relaxed against him. Although she had protested she had to admit at least to herself that his warm body was helping the chills and his arms around her not only made her feel safe but also kept her from shaking. She was sure he had noticed all her symptoms from withdraw but he was nice enough not to comment; and she was thankful for that. Closing her eyes she focused on his warm breath on the back of her neck and was fast asleep sooner than either of them expected.

* * *

 **A/N:** So, what do you think?


	2. S03 E02

**A/N:** Hey guys! I'm so amazed by the response I had from the first chap. And I'm so excited about this story. I really hope you all enjoy it. I'm trying my best here to be true to the characters and at the same time go in a different path with the story than the show.

* * *

 **Chapter 02**

 _(before episode S03E02 started)_

The last week had been surprisingly good for Jay. He was glad Erin had let him in when he first knocked on Voight's door a couple of days after his kidnapping and was even happier that she had slept for almost four hours before he left her late in the afternoon after making sure she had a roast beef sandwich for dinner.

But when the next day came and he got ready to visit her again he wasn't so sure he would have the same welcoming. Truthfully, he had expected Erin to try to avoid him after letting him take care of her for the afternoon. But instead when she opened the door she looked a little better. Her hair was down and it was obvious she had just got out of the shower. The dark circles under her eyes weren't so dark anymore and the easy with which she opened the door for him and invited him inside surprised him. Erin's behavior was a pleasant surprise however Voight's reaction was nothing less than shocking.

The Sargent was apparently waiting for him in the kitchen when Jay arriver. Though Voight claimed he was just having a late breakfast Jay really doubted that. Voight had been almost… nice to Jay and it had freaked him out to be honest. Voight had not only acknowledged Jay's presence but also offered coffee and made an attempt to thank him for bringing food and taking care of Erin the day before without actually saying 'thank you'. All the while Erin watched the odd exchange from her spot against the kitchen wall with a half smirk on her face, taking pleasure on Jay's discomfort.

That afternoon was spent watching cartoons and movies on the couch. Every few hours he would offer to make her a snack and whenever he saw her yawning he would start stroking her hair until she fell asleep. She had nightmares half of the time but refused to talk about them and considering how far they had come he felt it would be better not to push and let her come to him when she was ready.

The next few days were just the same. She had been sick a few times but it had stopped by Thursday. Now she could handle real food and not just soup, crackers and sandwiches. It was a relief for him to see her getting better so quickly; sleeping more, gaining weight, almost no chills or cold sweats anymore. He had worried it would take longer for her to get better and go back to work. Of course he wanted her to take as long as she needed but he would rather have her close to him during her recovery to keep an eye on her so he was very glad they had both been released on Friday from medical leave.

Monday couldn't come soon enough and that morning when he left home to go back to work he couldn't be more excited about getting into their first new case together. However, the excitement was short lived when they found the case involved a dead boy in a fridge.

Voight had sent them to the crime scene and it was oddly satisfying to see Erin look at him with a pointed look and a short "I'll drive" as she went down the stairs not waiting to see if he was following her.

He openly watched her from the passenger sit as she drove them until she became uncomfortable and looked back at him. They hadn't said anything since getting in the car and he needed to approach the subject before they got to the scene, he just wasn't sure how to do it.

After another minute she rolled her eyes at him and asked, "What?"

"So, how are you doing?"

She looked at him with a frown and shrugged, "Fine." He kept watching her and she rolled her eyes again, "I've been released from medical leave, you know?"

He ran a hand through his hair trying to look for the right words, "I do know that. But you've been through a lot and this is our first case in a month so I need to ask if you really are good."

She stopped on a red light and turned to give him her full attention. "I'm good. I may be a little rusty but I'm good and I've got your back. You don't have to worry about that," she told him seriously.

"I don't. I know you have my back no matter what. I just want to be sure your head is in the game and that you know you can come to me for anything. If it's too much or you feel like you need a break just tell me. I'm here for you."

She nodded and went back to driving as soon as the light turned green, "I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

 **S03 E02:**

 ** _Voight:_** _Hey. Looking for you._

 ** _Jay:_** _You have a way to saying that word that it never sounds like good news._

 ** _Voight:_** _Regarding you and Lindsay. I don't know which your relationship status is and I don't care. But I need to know someone's got her back 24 hours a day._

 ** _Jay:_** _Yeah. I… Always._

* * *

 ** _Will:_** _So Lindsay is back just (snaps his fingers) like that._

 ** _Jay:_** _No, not (snaps his fingers) like that._

 ** _Will:_** _What is it like?_

 ** _Jay:_** _I don't know. (he shrugs and opens his arms) I don't know what hand gesture to make. She is back. And it's good. And we'll see what that means for me. And for both of us._

* * *

The case had been a rough one. He knew it always took a toll on Erin when it involved kids and it was just the same for him. When they closed the case he couldn't refuse Will's invitation to have a beer at Molly's. Now he wasn't so sure if it had been such a good idea.

He had been able to avoid thinking about Voight's weird blessing until Will had asked if Erin was back 'just like that'. He still wasn't sure what was going on and he had no idea how to answer Will. Erin _was_ back 'just like that' as Will had so elegantly put but at the same time it didn't feel like it was 'just like that' if it made any sense.

Nadia's death had done something to Erin that Jay could have never foreseen. He knew they were close and that Erin saw a lot of herself in Nadia. They were best friends and she felt protective of Nadia like a sister. He saw Nadia like that too; she had been the only who knew about their relationship from the very beginning and actually encouraged it. Jay had been devastated by Nadia's death and specially how it happened but he had been able to deal with it. Erin on the other hand felt like she was personally responsible for what had happened, like she had failed Nadia and was was guilty of everything that Yates had done to her.

After Nadia's death everything just got out of control. He could see Erin slipping but he could do nothing about it. He tried to be there for her as her partner but she just wouldn't let him. He reached out after she turned in her badge, called insistently but she just wouldn't answer. He asked Mouse to ping her phone and showed up wherever she was just to check if she was okay but it seemed the more he tried the more she distanced herself. It was like she was hell bent on destroying herself and no one could get to her.

But then everything changed when he was kidnapped; or at least that's what he heard. He had seen her the morning of the kidnapping and she had just brushed him off like he meant nothing to her, obviously still drunk or maybe high. But the next day she was there to rescue him like she hadn't stopped being his partner for even a minute. It should be confusing as hell but it somehow made sense. She was his partner and it went deeper than whatever was going on in their personal lives. It was just like Will's jab about her being back "just like that"; it made no sense at all but it still made sense to him.

All he knew was that she was back and that was what he wanted the most. But was she ready for a relationship? Did she even want one? He rubbed his forehead; just thinking about it gave him a headache.

When he got home from Molly's he took of his clothes as he walked to his room and laid in bed completely exhausted. He wanted to talk to her, to let her know that she could still talk to him. So against his better judgment he ignored the bedside alarm that told him it was too late and called her anyway.

"Hey," she answered the phone sleepily and he felt guilty about waking her up. Wen he remained quiet she asked again, more alert, "Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah. Just wanted to check on you. The case was a rough one today and… I don't know. We used to hang out after cases like this. I missed that."

"Yeah, me too. You good?"

"Yeah. I had a beer with Will. It helped some."

"I so wish I could have a beer. But I guess I should wait some more."

He was glad she wasn't rushing things, "When you think you're ready I'd love to buy you a beer."

She didn't comment on it, just stayed silent for a long moment and he wondered if he had said the wrong thing but before he could question it she broke the silence, "So… I've heard a funny story today."

"Really? Feel like sharing?"

"I've heard you had an interesting conversation with Voight."

He closed his eyes not sure what to say, "To be honest he did most of the talking." When she didn't say anything he went on, "So, who told you?"

She scoffed, "Come on! Giving you his blessing to have your way with me in the bull pen? It wasn't his smartest choice. Then again maybe that's why he did it," she paused. "Anyway people heard it. I was the gossip of the day in the locker room. By the way, there is an uniform who has a _huge_ crush on you. I swear that district is worse than high school when it comes to gossip."

Her rant let him know she was nervous about the subject and even though it would be so easy to tease her and it would have been fine a few months ago he thought it better to just be honest and ask, "How do you feel about that?"

She took a moment, "I don't know. She's kinda cute but I'm not sure she is your type. Too bubbly. But maybe you'd go for that."

"Don't play dumb; it doesn't suit you."

She sighed, "What do you want me to say, Jay?"

"The truth."

"The truth," she repeated. "The truth is that sure as hell you deserve better than an addicted who put you through hell and broke your heart while you tried to help her. I'm damaged goods and you'd be better off with some bubbly uniform who probably never even smoked pot." She sighed, "The truth is that I'm still recovering and I can't give you what you want right now even if I wanted."

"Okay," he said simply.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. You're not ready to talk about this. So we can get back to it when you're ready."

She scoffed, "Did you even hear what I said?"

"Yeah, you said some shit about not being good enough and mentioned some bubbly girl before saying you're not ready. So, I'll wait until your ready to talk about it and then we'll see."

She huffed, "And they say I'm stubborn. They have no idea what you are like."

He just ignored her and changed the subject, "'So, how is it like to live with Voight?"

She let him get away with it, "Oh, you know, pure joy. What girl doesn't feel special to be told to pee in a cup every few days to prove she's clean?"

"He makes you take drug tests?"

He could imagine her shrugging as she took a moment to answer, "Yeah, one of his rules to let me back in Intelligence."

"What other rules are there?" he asked curiously. She had told him it was mandatory she live with Voight until he felt she was ready to go back to her apartment but other than that she hadn't mentioned any other rules.

"Nothing major, I guess. Living with him, drug tests… and it's not in fine printing but I kinda have a curfew," she ended embarrassed.

He chuckled, "You're joking?" When she didn't answer he couldn't help but laugh out loud, "Man, he's a strict dad."

"You have no idea. High school was not fun having Voight as a father figure," she paused and he knew she was pondering if she should continue or not, "But I guess he was better than the other option."

Jay cleared his throat, "So, what's the deal with your dad? I mean, you're biological father."

"Let's not go there," she said softly before he heard her fake a yawn in a clear show that the conversation was over. "I'm tired. I should go back to sleep."

He relented, "Sure. See you tomorrow."

"Jay… thanks for checking on me."

"Always," he told her honestly.

* * *

 **A/N:** Please review and let me now what you think!


	3. S03 E03

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorry this took so long but I wasn't sure if I should talk about Erin going to therapy, Bunny accusing Voight or Mouse and Jay's time in the army. It took a while to decide how this chapter would go. I hope you all enjoy and please review!**

* * *

 **S03 E03:**

 ** _Erin:_** _So when does the new wing at Chicago Med open?_

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _November 17th, but we got pushed a week. Something concerning, uh, sconces, I believe._

 ** _Erin:_** _Cool. Can I ask you a question? Do they still call them "emergency rooms"? Because I heard that now they're calling them "emergency departments"._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _The latter, though I believe I'm the one who's supposed to be asking you questions, no? Look, how about I tell you what your sergeant conveyed to me, as to what you've been going through? And please let me know if I'm off base in any way. Okay?_

 ** _Erin:_** _Okay._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _Okay, so you were working with a young lady who was killed, which I was very sorry to hear. You took some time off, maybe partied a little bit too much with your mother? Got your job back, uh, in the words of your sergeant, by the skin of your teeth._

 ** _Erin:_** _Sounds about right._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _Well, that's a lot to live with. You know, I mean, to carry around? So I don't know, instead of, you know, trying to swallow the elephant in one big gulp, we just, I don't know, go at it a bite at a time?_

 _(Erin's phone vibrates)_

 ** _Erin:_** _This just isn't for me, okay? No offence, but… I got a case._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _Take care._

* * *

 ** _Erin:_** _My mom… You wouldn't believe me if I told you._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _If it's any comfort, I guarantee you I've heard worse._

 ** _Erin:_** _Well, maybe someday I'll bore you with all the sordid details._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _Where's your dad?_

 ** _Erin:_** _I don't know. He was in and out of prison a lot, and then Albuquerque? I don't know. I didn't come over here to talk. I just wanted to apologize for cutting out on you like that this morning. You reached out to try to help me, and I appreciate that, so thanks._

 ** _Dr. Charles:_** _We don't get to choose our parents._

 ** _Erin:_** _Sometimes we do._

* * *

 **Chapter 03**

Erin and Jay were in the usual diner they had lunch when the day was slow. It was just a few blocks from the precinct in case they got a case and had to head back quickly. The place was open 24 hours and their burgers tasted like heaven, so they considered it the perfect diner.

They both had ordered a burger, french fries and coke but Erin had already finished her fries and was eyeing Jay's, waiting for the right moment to steal one.

He had been quietly eating his fries when he decided to hold his burger in both hands to take a bite. It was the chance Erin was waiting for and she got a fry and happily threw it in her mouth.

He glared at her but with no heart in it. "Not nice," he admonished.

She smirked at him before letting it drop. Then she broke the silence casually saying,"Hank asked me to see a shrink," as she threw another fry in her mouth.

Jay stopped for a second before resuming chewing his burger as he tried to rationalise what he had just heard. He raised an eyebrow trying to keep the surprise from his face at her spontaneously opening up to him and all he could think to say was, "Really?"

"More like insistently asked," she admitted. She kept eating his fries when he didn't comment. "So, what do you think?" she asked still focusing on the fries.

"About what?" he asked back with a tone just as uninterested as hers.

She glared at him knowing he was using her tricks against her, "Therapy. Do you think I should go?"

He looked up at her from his burger and sat it on the napkin on the table, giving her his full attention, "Are you really asking me if I think you should go to therapy?"

She shrugged, "Well, yeah."

"Why?" he asked curiously.

She licked her lips uncomfortable and looked around, "You are my partner and… I don't know… your opinion matters," was the closest she could get to admitting he was more than a partner to her.

He looked at her seriously, "Do you want to go to therapy?"

Biting her lip she shook her head, "I don't think it's for me."

"Well, than it doesn't matter what I think," he told her and went back to his burger.

She rolled her eyes frustrated, "Jay… just tell me what you think."

"Erin, it really doesn't matter. Therapy only works if you actually want it to work. Otherwise it's just wasted time."

She closed her eyes, "Just… entertain me. Tell me what you think of me going to therapy."

He sighed, "Okay, but just to make it clear, you asked me." He paused before continuing with a warmer voice, "I think you should go. You have issues and I don't just mean about Nadia and what happened these last couple of months. Erin you have things to work out about your mother and your father that I know nothing about and all you went through your teenager years and Voight and your commitment phobia…"

At that last mention she turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow, "So this is about us?"

He shook his head fully aware of what she was trying to do, "This is about you. Yes, we were together. But we are not anymore. And your aversion to commitment will damage any relationship you have in the future. With whoever that is."

She pursed her lips looking down and stopped eating his fries. The silence became uncomfortable so taking her hand to call her attention he continued, "You've been through a lot since you were a kid. You could use some help dealing with what happened to you and figuring out what you want next."

She swallowed but didn't say anything. The rest of their lunch was spent in a somewhat comfortable silence and when they were done he went ahead and paid for their lunches. When he left the diner Erin was already on the car waiting for him. He quietly got in the passenger sit and turned on the radio to break the silence.

They had been driving for about five minutes when she cleared her throat and said, "I kinda like Dr. Charles. He seems to know what he is doing."

He looked out of the window and smiled. She was not making any promises but he understood what she meant and it was more than enough for him.

* * *

Jay sat on the passenger sit of Erin's car stealing a glance at her every few minutes. They were on a stake out waiting for a drug dealer to make a drop. The guy hadn't showed up for the last couple of hours but Voight insisted they stayed there until they could make an arrest. He knew Erin knew he was looking at her but she was obviously ignoring him. He sighed in frustration and looked ahead. It had been over a week since Erin had approached the subject of therapy and after that she hadn't said a word about it. Though he wanted to know what she had decided he wasn't sure it wouldn't be crossing a line to ask. They were in an unfamiliar territory since she got back and she still could easily be spooked and ice him out which was the last thing he wanted. But right now he was wondering if it wouldn't be worth the risk to find out what was really going on in her mind.

Apparently Erin had also had enough because the next time he stole a glance she huffed and turned to face him, "Okay, what's going on?"

Even though he had wanted her to ask exactly that now that she had he didn't know what to answer so he just replied, "Everything is fine."

She gave him a look that showed she didn't believe him for a second.

"Well, everything is fine. I was just wondering if you had made a decision about therapy."

She bit her lip for a second before answering, "I had my first consult with him a couple of days ago."

Jay couldn't help the smile that spread on his face, "Really?"

His smile was contagious and she smiled back, "Really."

"That's good," he kind of congratulated her and they went back to being silent.

After fifteen minutes and still looking straight ahead she asked, "Aren't you going to ask how it went?"

He scratched the back of his head, "Therapy is personal; it's the place you can put it all out. I can't ask. If you want to tell me something I'd be really glad to hear but it's up to you."

It took her another few minutes to say, "If you want to listen…" and she could see from the corner of her eye him nodding excitedly, "I talked about my dark time away from the unit. How I regret everything I did, the way I grieved Nadia's death. He asked me how I got over it and got better. So I talked about you."

"Me?" he repeated a little surprised. He expected her talk about him and their relationship eventually but not in her first session. He thought she would focus on Nadia or Bunny or Voight; people who were fundamental in Erin's life one way or another, but not him.

"Yeah," she shrugged before admitting, "There is a lot to talk about you."

He gave her a confused smiled and rested his hand over hers in her lap. There was nothing he could say to that but at the same time he couldn't just ignore her words.

Suddenly she puller her hand away, "The dealer has arrived. We have to go," she told him already leaving the car.

* * *

The last week had been a particularly difficult one. They worked on the case of a serial killer who enjoyed kidnapping couples and torturing the wives in front of their husbands before killing them. When the unit finally caught the guy they felt immense relief but the heaviness of the case still weighted on them.

After finishing her report at the end of their shift Erin looked around to see that only her, Jay and Mouse were still in the room. She watched him from across her desk for a moment smiling. "Hey," she called his attention and he looked up, "Do you feel like going to Molly's?"

He gave her a look before asking, "Are you sure you are up to that?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I'm good. And I'd rather go back to drinking with just someone I can trust instead of a crowd."

He grinned, "Okay then. I own you a drink anyway."

They quickly got their jackets and wallets and as usual Erin drove them to Molly's. All the tables int the place were occupied but the bar still wasn't crowded. They walked to the only booth available at the back of the bar and she took her jacket off placing it on the back of her chair.

"So, what is your poison?" Jay asked standing up to get their drinks.

She licked her lips, "Just a beer. I should start slow."

He nodded and walked to the bar as Erin watched him carefully. It meant so much to her that even though he checked how she was doing every now and then he didn't treat her with kid's gloves or doubt her at all.

When he came back she took a small sip of her beer and they spent a few minutes in comfortable silence just enjoying each others company and finally relaxing after their exhausting day.

"So, today's case was tough," Erin commented.

He sighed, "Yeah, we have some hardcore killers but it's usually about money and drugs. The wackjobs who just want to make other people suffer are the ones who really get to me."

"He took their the wives to torture them in from of their husbands," she made a face that showed her disgust. "What kind of person does that?"

"Someone really sick," Jay answered taking a long gulp of his beer and shook his head. "I don't know what I'd do if he did something like that to us. I mean- when we were together."

She smiled at his slip of tongue. "It wouldn't happen to us. You've always had my back, even when I didn't deserve it."

He grinned at her and narrowed his eyebrows showing he disagreed, "You're worth it." The look they gave each other lasted longer than what could be considered appropriate between partners ou friends and when the the tension between them became too much he broke the silence, "Okay, changing the subject to something happier. You're pretty much back to normal, huh?"

She pointedly looked at the beer in front of her, "If you're talking about my addiction, then yes. I've been completely sober for the last two months. And work is good, as you know. But Voight has yet to let me go back to my apartment." She paused and looked down at their table, playing with the napkin and avoiding his eyes, "And- well, some of my bad choices are still burdening me but… that's my own fault."

He frowned and took her hand in his over the table, "What's going on?" She shrugged and he tightened his hold on her, "Hey, I'm your partner, right? You can lean on me."

She looked up with such a shame in her eyes that broke his heart, "I'm sure you've heard about what Bunny did."

He nodded but didn't comment. All he knew was that Bunny had reported Voight had lied about being an eye witnessed to a homicide and now the criminal was going to walk. Jay knew it was bad but it certainly wasn't the worst charge Voight had thrown his way during his career.

"Look, Voight can handle it. You know him. He has been through a lot worse than an accusation of not being where he said he was."

She sighed, "That's not the point." He stared at her not understanding and she looked away gathering the courage to tell him the truth. "Do you know why he wasn't in that assignment when he should have been? Why he didn't actually see Beckett kill that guy?" Jay just shook his head.

Erin sighed, "He wasn't there because I called him. Bunny was dating this loser who was high most of the time. That night he was really high so after he slapped her around he got a shotgun and pointed at us. I ran and tried to hide in my room and I called Hank. He saved me and Bunny that night. He left a case that he was working on for months to attend a domestic call and that's why he lied about Beckett. And now Bunny is throwing him under the bus for saving our lives all those years ago. And it's my fault."

"It's not your fault."

"She's my mother."

"It's not your fault she's your mother."

Erin exhales obviously tired, "I just hate that I pushed everyone away and let Bunny back in. If it wasn't for you being kidnapped- I'd probably be high in some night club right now." She rested her head in her hands, "I just can't believe how stupid I was and how selfish Bunny is. She knows this guy is guilty, she knows Voight saved our lives; and still she just wants to destroy him no matter what, damn the consequences."

"Look we both know Voight will be fine and from what I understand Bunny is out of your life," Erin nodded in confirmation. "Then why don't you just give yourself a break and stop blaming yourself. I'd bet Voight would rather have this accusation against him and you severe all ties with Bunny then have no charges and have you let Bunny into your life again."

Erin drank the last of her beer and took a deep breath letting her shoulders relax. "Thanks, Jay. But I should get home now," she ended the conversation and their night.

Jay could see that even though Erin had listened to him and was trying to take in what he said she still couldn't fully accept it wasn't her fault. She had always taken the blame for everything around her so it didn't surprise him that she felt responsible for Bunny's wrongdoings. Just as he was sure she still blamed herself for Nadia's death and maybe even for not having his back when he was kidnaped. He would just have to keep reminding her every day that none of it was her fault.

He nodded, "Sure. I'll drive you home."

They stood up and while Jay walked her to the door he rested his hand on the small of her back, "I'm really glad for tonight; the beer and the talk."

She turned around to give him a real smile, "Me too. I'm glad to be back."


End file.
